Greetings from Tiffin Ohio. So as you may know, we are in the state of Ohio this week to attend the funeral of Tony's grandma Virginia. So my crazy buckeye husband was born and raised in the great state of Ohio and still has many family living here so this was sort of a home coming for him. I have known all along that we would be traveling to Ohio for her services but I guess I never expected it to be this soon after having major surgery especially a surgery that is very diet restrictive and maybe be even more emotionally filled. So as I type my note I still have about a half a day in the state of Ohio and with our extended family. So if by morning anyone has read this they may understand my mood a little better.
Warning this may be ugly!!!!
This week has sort of sucked emotion wise for me. So I am still stuck on soup, protein shakes, jello and pudding. So you can imagine how not simple or friendly that is to travel. So on our trip this way we stopped in the town of Wabash Indiana where we had a really fun picnic lunch at a park including playground time. So my lunch was some yogurt. Not to bad. I have learned to love what I am eating while others around me are loving what they are eating. I did try a little chip that I ate as if I were a rabbit nibbling it but in the end I got the chip taste/sensation. Also nibbled on a little turkey. I am finding that sometimes getting the taste is enough to settle my urge of wanting something. When we arrived we were joined with lots of family and a total of 17 of us went to a Pizza buffet. Well that was totally fine with me until......I found out they did not have soup even on the menu or on the buffet. So this is where my big skill of self talk came into play. Well that failed miserably. As most of you know I can cry at a Hallmark commercial. So I felt that I was about to loose control so I asked Tony for the keys and told him I needed to go to the van or a walk or something. Well even though I told him to stay with his family he still came outside with me and so did one of my sister in laws. I reassured them I was fine and just needed to focus. One of my fellow lap band friends said she grieved food. Hmmmm is that what I would call it? Well not exactly. Even though what they were having looked and smelled great it was not so much that I was not eating that, nor was it that I was not eating, it was just I felt left out of the social exchange that food includes. Hard to explain but I just felt sort of excluded in the joy of the moment. So first major social occasion where I really could not talk myself through it. Not a failure just a learning experience.
Tuesday included a wonderful protein shake while Tony and the kids had a decent continental breakfast with bacon and Cinnamon rolls. I think Seth ate enough for both of us. After the funeral we had a nice potluck dinner prepared for us and I ended up having one of my cream of chicken soup at hands. I did try a bite of pumpkin pie filling and some jello minus the fruit in it. So lunch eating wise went pretty good but sort of felt that none of the adults wanted to sit close to me. Hmmm do I stink? So then tonight at dinner they all had left overs and I had...you guessed it soup at hand Creamy tomato. Well I did not eat it all and I think part of might have been I just felt a little uneasy. So I just finally was in emotional overload again and I needed to run to the store for a couple of items and when I ran to the room Tony came up with me and I sort of told him I just was emotional spent. So something I have learned is that I need to voice my feelings better and this journey has made it extremely important especially when talking to Tony to tell him how I feel. So world how do I feel?????? I am sooooo glad that decided to make these changes in my life but.....it is hard. So far socially, it has been the hardest. In our country social things revolve around food, family revolves around food and I am finding because I am not eating what everyone else is eating I feel even more excluded. I know this is not done on purpose but maybe by guilt of what they are eating. News flash! I would rather someone eat what they want with me, rather than me eating what I am eating at the time by myself.
Tony also had another idea tonight.....maybe since I am loosing weight so successfully maybe my hormones are all like...What the hell is going on?? So weather it is hormones or learning to ride out the bumps in this journey I know that thus too shall pass.
I go to the doctor on Thursday for my post op check and I am really excited. I am thinking that I will see great success thus far on the scale, thinking I may get to go to foods that I can mash, hopefully get to return to work next week and hopefully be released to maybe even start walking the treadmill or something. So for every moment I think this journey is tough I know that things are so much better because of it.
I have always been a very open person and when I first decided to blog about this journey but guess I never expected to put myself out there so emotionally. I do this because I want to educate and support others. We all have challenges and I never want anyone to just see the great things about the lap-band or think it is easy. It is work and I am thankful for those around me who are able to support me during the hard moments. So until probably Thursday please do something for yourself and do something nice to someone near you, it just might make their day and yours! God Bless!
I can see how there would be a lot of grieving going on - maybe like you say, not exactly for food - but for the way life was. Our culture is so all about food and I think most of don't realize it until it's taken away. It totally sucks that our social habits can be so unhealthy for us and people lean on food to make them comfortable. I mean, I know sometimes when we don't know what to say to someone in a social situation, we use food to either make it so we don't have to talk, or it becomes the topic. When this is taken away from the people around you, we become confused. Actually, it makes me think we are kindof a pathetic society. :) I'm so happy for you that you are doing this and that you have people who are helping you stay focused on the goal!
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