Saturday, February 8, 2014

"Enough is Enough" part 2

Some events of the last few weeks have led me to decide enough is enough.  For those of you that are not aware weight has been a life long struggle for me.  In February 2010 I decided to do something that would change my life forever and that it has. My Lapband Journey has been a journey with many ups and downs and I have learned so much in the process.  I have decided that I need to take charge of my health again so part that process will include me starting to blog again.  Feel free to follow along.  I ask for prayers and encouragement.  It has been a long time since I blogged so bare with me as I get back into the swing of things.

So my Lapband journey began with the statement "Enough is Enough"  back in February of 2010.  I decided I was sick of being fat, morbidly obese and frankly worn out and possibly living on  borrowed time.  I was 324 pounds at my highest point and I did not want to live like that anymore.  I decided that I need to take care of my weight and when a new primary doctor suggested Lapband I thought maybe that was something I should look into.  On October 19th 2010 I had my lap band surgery weighing in at 309 that day.  Since then there have many victories, some set backs, another foot surgery, a changed job and more.  I lost weight quickly, loved the attention, the new wardrobe, the energy I felt and more.  So many great things were happening but not all were good for me ultimately.   My relationship with food and exercise changed by 180 degrees.  I became obsessed with what and how much I ate and I exercised more than I ever had.  Looking back now I am able to say I was at an unhealthy point in the journey.  How do you go from never exercising to going to the gym for 1-1 1/2 hours a day and eating everything in site to where you are scolding yourself for putting a treat in your mouth????  Looking back, everything went so fast, the weight melted off of me.  My highest weight was 324 pounds.....lowest weight was 209.  10 pounds from my goal of 199.  Something happened when I was 209.....I was a crazy woman.  I was not a good wife, mother and more.  I was so obsessed with trying not to put calories in my body and exercising just so I could see the numbers get to the magic 199.  I was at another critically dangerous point in my weight journey. 

Tony finally said in the nicest way are getting crazy with this and around this time my foot was bothering me.  Little did I know I had a stress fracture in my foot. So between my 110% supporting husband saying this is out of control and my foot hurting the exercising slowed to a stop nearly and I started to enjoy food again within reason.   So I would take time off of my a few pounds come back and it was not until I could not walk that I found out I had a stress fracture in my foot and that is when I feel like I gave up and ME.  The pounds seem to just jump back on then.  I wanted to get back to my treadmill so badly but my doctor kept saying no....finally I got the news that my foot was not going to heal on its own and I was going to need surgery to fix the bone.  So from April till June I wore a boot on my foot.  June  I had a plate and 4 screws put in my foot and I am still not able to get on my treadmill to even walk and it is FEBRUARY!!!!  So what do you do when you can't exercise, you are depressed and you have given up on you???? Well duh you eat!!  So because I believe in being very transparent.....I was at a good point of about 225 or so and i really think that is a good weight for me.  I have gained about 50 pounds in the last year.  I am 277 now and it just breaks my heart. 

I am not broken because I am a is weight who cares what a scale says.  I am sad because I choose to let one part of my body ( my foot)  take over rest of my well being.  Emotionally I need to reclaim my love for me.  Physically....I can feel the added weight.  Emotionally I don't love my body again  I am very self conscious of my appearance again.    I want to find the love again, this time with a healthy balance. 

Like I said, a few things personally have prompted me to decide enough is enough.  Something that really irked me this week was the finale of The Biggest Loser.  I have mixed opinions about that show anyways  but what my overall opinion about the winner this round is this.....It is her journey and only her and her doctor know what the best weight is for her it does not matter what America thinks.  I am not the only one who has had weight issues nor will  I be the last.  I will always be in battle with my weight and learning to be in harmony with it is the part of the journey I need to embrace this time. 

So my goal is to get back on the track to better health.  Put myself first and start taking care of me again.  I have decided emotionally I need more support again so I have decided that I am going to start seeing a Social Worker again and I really like her and she understands my emotional need right now to fall in love with me again and so I am taking steps to do that.  I am going to start blogging the good, the bad and the ugly. 

I know in the past I have inspired others....I want to be a friend and a supporter of others journeys.  I am thankful for my faithful supporters.