Redemption

I am so thankful for 2^nd, 3^rd 4^th chances and more.  The journey of a healthy lifestyle is a very hard thing to stay on track of for me it seems.  I have had so many ups and downs in the past 4 years since I had my Lap-Band procedure in October 2010.  It does not seem like it has been that long!! During that time I have switched jobs, my kids have gotten a lot more active so we are on the road a lot, I have had two surgeries for a break in my foot, and just life…..life is hard!  When I write, I write for myself and as you know I make myself very vulnerable, I choose to share my feelings in hopes that I can inspire others.   I have recently started communicating with someone who has also had lap-band surgery and was frankly at a stand-still and frankly very frustrated.  I had a couple of great conversations with her and she has expressed how I have inspired her so much and she feels like she has hope now.  Well I shared that with Tony my husband and cried as I told him.  How can I inspire anyone when I can’t seem to inspire myself to try to be positive and get back on track to a healthy life-style?  Last week I had a moment where I threw my hands up in the air and said I need help.  Tony and I had a couple of tearful talks and I decided that I was going to start on making baby steps to head back on the track to a healthy lifestyle. 

Monday morning came and I stepped on the scale, now mind you, I know I have been gaining and frankly not happy about it.  Monday I stepped on, looked down and nearly cried.  What had I allowed to happen in the last year and a half since my fracture in my foot???  Well no exercise, depression, two foot surgery one that put a plate and 4 screws in my foot and then one to remove them has caused me to get off of track.  I am not using my foot injury as the only liable culprit in this weight gain but when you take away the opportunity to walk/run on a treadmill since April of 2013 and then all the drama that has gone with the injury, surgeries and time to rehab I became an emotional mess, and chocolate and such seemed to be my fix L. 

Monday after I got off of the scale I proceeded to do as planned, I went to the kitchen took my meds and vitamins and then proceeded to make 2 protein shakes.  I have had a protein shake each morning, and one at lunch and then trying to eat a sensible meal at night.  Night time is when it is hard for me.  I am trying to stay as normal as possible but yet not get to overboard like I have in the past.  Tony took me last night to DQ for a treat and a part of me panicked.  What was I going to have…..well I had a smoothie, probably not the best but it was not my usually tuxedo chocolate blizzard. 

I am looking forward to getting back on track and seeing how I can be successful again and get healthy again.  I had my stitches out of my foot the other day and I am feeling better but not great yet.  I am eager to get back on my treadmill but I know that I need to take a few more weeks to let my foot heal for good this time.  In the mean-time I am going to work on me.  I am going to try to eat sensibly, try to be positive, make small changes and look forwards not backwards.  I look forward to setting new goals and achieving them.  Most importantly this time I am going to be more realistic and enjoy the journey and quit worrying about the finish-line.  I have a magic number again but if I inch my way back to that number in a healthy way…..that is all that matters, even if I don’t hit it.  Feel free to join me on my journey, encourage me, and hold me accountable.  Also feel free to share my journey.  I am not an expert about Lap-Band but I am not ashamed to say I have a Lap-Band and I have had some mountains and valleys with it.  I am more than willing to talk to anyone who has questions or might just need to be inspired.  Thank you and God Bless You!  Jane

"Enough is Enough" part 2

Some events of the last few weeks have led me to decide enough is enough.  For those of you that are not aware weight has been a life long struggle for me.  In February 2010 I decided to do something that would change my life forever and that it has. My Lapband Journey has been a journey with many ups and downs and I have learned so much in the process.  I have decided that I need to take charge of my health again so part that process will include me starting to blog again.  Feel free to follow along.  I ask for prayers and encouragement.  It has been a long time since I blogged so bare with me as I get back into the swing of things.

So my Lapband journey began with the statement "Enough is Enough"  back in February of 2010.  I decided I was sick of being fat, morbidly obese and frankly worn out and possibly living on  borrowed time.  I was 324 pounds at my highest point and I did not want to live like that anymore.  I decided that I need to take care of my weight and when a new primary doctor suggested Lapband I thought maybe that was something I should look into.  On October 19th 2010 I had my lap band surgery weighing in at 309 that day.  Since then there have many victories, some set backs, another foot surgery, a changed job and more.  I lost weight quickly, loved the attention, the new wardrobe, the energy I felt and more.  So many great things were happening but not all were good for me ultimately.   My relationship with food and exercise changed by 180 degrees.  I became obsessed with what and how much I ate and I exercised more than I ever had.  Looking back now I am able to say I was at an unhealthy point in the journey.  How do you go from never exercising to going to the gym for 1-1 1/2 hours a day and eating everything in site to where you are scolding yourself for putting a treat in your mouth????  Looking back, everything went so fast, the weight melted off of me.  My highest weight was 324 pounds.....lowest weight was 209.  10 pounds from my goal of 199.  Something happened when I was 209.....I was a crazy woman.  I was not a good wife, mother and more.  I was so obsessed with trying not to put calories in my body and exercising just so I could see the numbers get to the magic 199.  I was at another critically dangerous point in my weight journey. 

Tony finally said in the nicest way possible....you are getting crazy with this and around this time my foot was bothering me.  Little did I know I had a stress fracture in my foot. So between my 110% supporting husband saying this is out of control and my foot hurting the exercising slowed to a stop nearly and I started to enjoy food again within reason.   So I would take time off of my treadmill....watch a few pounds come back and it was not until I could not walk that I found out I had a stress fracture in my foot and that is when I feel like I gave up and ME.  The pounds seem to just jump back on then.  I wanted to get back to my treadmill so badly but my doctor kept saying no....finally I got the news that my foot was not going to heal on its own and I was going to need surgery to fix the bone.  So from April till June I wore a boot on my foot.  June  I had a plate and 4 screws put in my foot and I am still not able to get on my treadmill to even walk and it is FEBRUARY!!!!  So what do you do when you can't exercise, you are depressed and you have given up on you???? Well duh you eat!!  So because I believe in being very transparent.....I was at a good point of about 225 or so and i really think that is a good weight for me.  I have gained about 50 pounds in the last year.  I am 277 now and it just breaks my heart. 

I am not broken because I am a failure...it is weight who cares what a scale says.  I am sad because I choose to let one part of my body ( my foot)  take over rest of my well being.  Emotionally I need to reclaim my love for me.  Physically....I can feel the added weight.  Emotionally I don't love my body again  I am very self conscious of my appearance again.    I want to find the love again, this time with a healthy balance. 

Like I said, a few things personally have prompted me to decide enough is enough.  Something that really irked me this week was the finale of The Biggest Loser.  I have mixed opinions about that show anyways  but what my overall opinion about the winner this round is this.....It is her journey and only her and her doctor know what the best weight is for her it does not matter what America thinks.  I am not the only one who has had weight issues nor will  I be the last.  I will always be in battle with my weight and learning to be in harmony with it is the part of the journey I need to embrace this time. 


So my goal is to get back on the track to better health.  Put myself first and start taking care of me again.  I have decided emotionally I need more support again so I have decided that I am going to start seeing a Social Worker again and I really like her and she understands my emotional need right now to fall in love with me again and so I am taking steps to do that.  I am going to start blogging the good, the bad and the ugly. 

I know in the past I have inspired others....I want to be a friend and a supporter of others journeys.  I am thankful for my faithful supporters.