Friday, February 11, 2011
There is no way to put into words the emotional roller coaster I have been on lately. Sometimes I feel like my head is spinning. Come on into my world for a second but maybe buckle your seat belt for safety! As you have noticed this blog is primarily about life as a banded woman but I am so much MORE than just a woman who decided to have the Lap Band procedure and has embraced it for all it is worth. I am a mom to 3 wonderful kids. Biologically I have only carried one of my three children and that was Raegyn who is almost 6....that is so hard to believe. I have raised Seth since he was a month shy of being 3 and McKenna was 19 months when I started dating their dad. So pretty much I have been there for a lot of the major things in their lives. Days especially with Seth can be rocky. Seth has a few challenges that we have had to overcome in regards to some emotional needs. So at almost 11 my days sometimes feel like I am on a major roller coaster with him. This week has been a rough week here at the Sprandel house to say the least. Tony and I see a wonderful Child Psychologist that has helped us learn how to get through the tough days. She is such a wonderful Doctor. Not only does she treat the child but she looks at the whole family unit and of late I feel like I have been under a little bit of scrutiny. Not bad scrutiny just her being honest and pointing about that I have had a hell of a year. In June I tore a tendon in my ankle and had to have reconstructive ankle surgery and acquired some medical bills because the responsible party choose to not take any responsibility. Then in October I took a major leap of faith and decided to have my lap band procedure performed and it has been life changing! For the best I have to add. My dad and I talk a lot and one day I pointed out to him that I seemed to have passed my psych exam with flying colors because I was truly doing my surgery for all of the right reasons.....health not beauty or other things. What I did not really expect when I was preparing for my surgery was a few things, I did not realize how much attention I would get from losing weight. I have always been an obese person even as a child so it is still odd to me when people comment on how I look in something or how "skinny" I am getting. I am learning to take the compliments and really accept in my mind that maybe I do look nice and that I do look less obese. It is odd to explain how it feels to get attention for your weight when it use to be getting attention because you were the blunt of the fat joke. Another emotional roller coaster I have had to buckle up for on this journey is the idea of "grieving food." I have talked about this before, you can name any restaurant and I can tell you instantly what I would have and maybe even be able to taste it in my taste buds but then after that split second I realize that I probably will not be able to eat that particular item anymore. When I say grieve I do not burst into tears but sometimes for a split second I think, "will I ever eat that again?" I am very lucky in that I like to taste/try things off Tony's plate or the kids. Usually one fry is enough to satisfy my need for McDonald's fries for example. I have some foods that I have not been able to tolerate since my surgery and then there are some foods that I can occasionally eat, so ordering out especially is a challenge some days for me. The other day I was watching Oprah, which I typically do not do, and she had on Jennifer Hudson and she was talking about her amazing weight loss using Weight Watchers and she spoke about when shopping she is always still looking at the "big girl" clothes. Wow can I relate to that. I am just not willing to try on smaller things in fear of what if they do not fit. Today I wore a new outfit and Tony complimented me on it and then commented that maybe I could have gotten a smaller pair of jeans even. I agreed but that is where it is shocking for me to have been wearing a 28 in October and bought a pair of 22's and a 20 yesterday. Maybe I should have skipped the 22's since that is what I am wearing right now and I could have passed them up since they probably will not be in the closet long.